Warmoth Fender Stratocaster Neck 2010's - Nitrocellulose Lacquer Vintage Tint

It's a man, baby. This is not a neck for those who tuck it. This neck is for cage fighters, men who didn't cry at their grandmother's funeral, men who perpetually smell like chainsaw bar oil, men who intentionally get popped by 120v sockets just to make them feel. Strong men, men who can piss 30 feet.

This here neck is the biggest, most ridiculous neck that I could get from Warmouth. I custom ordered this bad boy for a strat body that I bought. That ridiculously beautiful, ridiculously Sherwood Green Metallic guitar is for sale on another listing. Even though I like very small necks, I figured to myself "well, the price is the same if I get a big neck or a small neck, so I'm getting a better deal if I get a big neck because it has more wood." LOGIC, for the win.

I ordered this neck with all the organ stops pulled out and the volume pedal floored. It had to be ultra vintage spec, so I got it with a 7.25" radius, the original Fender radius. Truss rod adjustment? Not that you need it unless you are stringing it with guy wire, but it's the old school have to take the neck almost off completely then turn the screw with a screwdriver and hope you've gotten it right then put it back on. Had to be vintage style though. Got to take the good with the bad to get that magic vintage tone.

Frets? Thought I'd cheat a bit and go stainless. Yes, STAINLESS STEEL. You heard me. Vintage, no, but when you feel those silky smooth bends you'll be glad that I went with this option. Also, they are the small vintage height. Don't like that? Too bad, because good luck getting those stainless steel frets off there.

TUNER ALERT. Yeah those are the vintage style ones. Kluson? Gotoh? I can't remember. All I know is that I didn't cheap out here because I was building the Conan the Barbarian of guitar necks.

How wide is it at the nut? The widest. The widest nut Warmouth makes. Specifically, I told them, "As far as nuts go, I need it slick, a slick nut, so do one of those white tusq graphtech nuts--oh, and make it wide, the widest nut width you can do". As far as the back curve, it's the FATBACK. 1" thick all the way down baby. This paragraph has so much vulgar potential but I'm going to avoid it and just say that if you like 'em thick and---no sorry. Let's move on. (***UPDATE*** - no no no we can't move on. After a question by a potential customer as to the exact width of the nut, I must tell you. It seems that it is a 43-44mm width. I can't exactly say since I don't have a caliper but rather a metric ruler, but it is one of those I'm certain. I thought it was even wider. Too small for you? Wait until you feel the GIRTH of this width with the THICK, SAUSAGE-LIKE neck profile. Like piece of horseflesh ripped from the bone and devoured by ape-men. If your hands can handle this, then you have spent too much time on the internet in a dark room in your mother's basement).

Maple neck? Big check. Oh and make sure it's got some extreme flame, hoss. "Is this okay sir?" they emailed me. My response was swift and to the point--"Do I look like a clown to you? Is this some sort of test? Get back in that wood pile and don't come back until you find me a piece of maple that has more stripes than a three legged zebra." Check the pics bro. I challenge you to find more flame. This neck is a downtown San Francisco flamer. I will come to your house and light myself afire if you receive this and are not satisfied with the flame. One way or the other, you're going to see some flame. That is my guarantee. That is how I run my business and my life. Most of the things I say I back up with the assurance that I WILL BURN MYSELF ALIVE IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY.

Next, rosewood board. "Which fretboard would you like sir or would you like us to pick one out?" I didn't respond for ten seconds. All they could hear over the phone was the long inhale of my cigarette, the crackling of the burning ash, and the slow exhale into the olive green 1960's office phone that I found at my grandmother's house. I still keep a landline so I can use it. "What did you say? Do I want you to pick it out? Here's what I want. I want you to send me pictures of every piece of rosewood you have. I'll look at them at my leisure and I'll get back to you when I've made up my mind. I want you to earn my business." That's how you have to talk to people in business sometimes. Not because you're mad or anything, but you've got to keep people on their toes or they'll walk right over you. I got the pics, the boy did what I told him. He obviously was a go-getter. I chose a piece that has beautiful striping going down the length of it. Check the pics. Is it dark? Yes it is but people want rosewood pitch black these days. If it's not dark enough you can go get a can of Rustoleum and spray it down.

THE FINISH. "Vintage tint gloss son. And I'll take a little less sass this time." They knew their place by now. They knew I meant GLOSS. They knew I wanted some vintage tint the color of hung over dehydrated urine. They didn't bother to tell me that it might be easier to play if I got the satin. They knew where they stood at this point. Don't like it? Take some sand paper and grind it down. You can do whatever you like once you buy it.

Did you see my contribution? Zenith compadre, not Fender. Stratocaster? No, Automatic Medium Wave my guy. You ever played a Zenithcaster? Saddle up. Are you boring and don't like it? Get some friggin' vinegar and rub it off I guess, I don't have the heart to.

This guitar neck is cherry. Just been sitting on the shelf since it defeated me. I tried to play it. I pretended that I was man enough. I was not. It just sits there on the shelf, doing preacher curls eating raw hamburger meat taunting me. "Hey. Hey Mary. Hey I know you hear me. Put me on that guitar and string me up wussy." I don't listen. I leave and come back. It's throwing up three plates on the bench like it was nothing and getting rubbed down by girls in bikinis. They shave chest hair off of the fretboard. It kicks sand in my face. Buy this so I can stop crying in the shower and regain my dignity.

And remember:

I WILL BURN MYSELF ALIVE IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY.